You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
