You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
