I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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