Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
