if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
this is an emotional support booty call
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
