I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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