Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
