i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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