Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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