I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
