my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
