if i can run in heels then i can drive
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
