If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize
