Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
