omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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