Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
