after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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