I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
