I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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