Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm really busy with my period
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