why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
