Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
