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• (616): View more from Michigan

  I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.

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• (516): View more from New York

  Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Omg suz!! take the unibrow off

  (516): View more from New York

  No! im just getting hammered instead

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• (619): View more from California

  I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.

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• (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."

  (1-608): View more from Wisconsin

  At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple

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• (317): View more from Indiana

  Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.

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• (650): View more from California

  It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.

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• (708): View more from Illinois

  I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality

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• (704): View more from North Carolina

  Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?

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• (862): View more from New Jersey

  I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.

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• (619): View more from California

  Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.

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• (308): View more from Nebraska

  I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji

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• (601): View more from Mississippi

  Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.

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