I could make wine with my vomit
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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