got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
