I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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