Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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