don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
