Someone shit on the floor
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
you will always have a special place in my vag
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
