You're completely useless in the revolution.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
