I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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