When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
