Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
