I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
