WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
