He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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