my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
