Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
This baby is an asshole
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
