Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
