just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
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