My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
