Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
