i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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