oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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