There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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