we have officially lost it.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
