We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
