I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
