I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
