I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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