I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
