so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
