if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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