I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
