She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
