Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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